Just for Laughs

Since I'm busy on a 3-day stretch again, here's something to tickle your funny bones:

Airline Quips


Here are some conversations that the airline passengers don't hear. The
following are accounts of actual exchanges between Airline Pilots and
Control Towers around the world.

============================================

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

============================================

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

=============================================

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.

While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was
your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
=============================================

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm
f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f... ing bored, not f... ing stupid!"

=============================================

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the
little Fokker in sight."

=============================================



A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a
hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are
not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the
lights and return to the airport."

==============================================

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind
a B-52 that had one engine shut down.

"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

==============================================

Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and
returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was
the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," Explained
the flight attendant.

"It took us a while to find a new pilot."

==============================================

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the
following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war."

==============================================

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of
the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,
contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from
Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,
we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

=================================================

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short
of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,
turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a
real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours
and I'll have enough parts for another one."

AND SAVING THE BEST TWO FOR LAST:

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it
was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the
following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British
Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location
now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):

"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- and I
didn't land."

================================================

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose
with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to
turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right
there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C
and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever
to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you
to!

You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and
I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I
tell you!


You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance
engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running
high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
"Wasn't I married to you once?"

A Dream Come True

I think I may have mentioned before how I have wanted to go up in a hot air balloon for over 25 years. We even spent almost 20 years in Albuquerque, NM, the Hot Air Balloon Capital of the World, and I was never able to fly. J-man gave me a gift certificate Christmas of 2003 for a flight, and I really wanted to go up in autumn, but every fall, the weather and my schedule have thwarted each attempt.

This past Saturday was to be my latest attempt, and I was afraid to jinx it by saying too much about it, or writing it here. Since it was scheduled to be an early morning flight, we decided to drive up Fri. afternoon and spend the night in a motel. Two hours before leaving, my pilot called--the winds were too high and all flights were cancelled for Sat. My heart sank. She rescheduled me for Sunday afternoon, which was still iffy, but assured me that it's still warm enough down South here we should be able to have a few more weekends left to fly.

Since my daughter lives in a nearby area, we went on up Sun. so we could at least visit with her a few hours while the pilot kept us updated by phone. The morning flight went as scheduled, but the winds were picking up, and she didn't know if we'd be able to lift off that afternoon. Final plan was to meet at a nearby field at 4pm, where a test balloon was sent up to judge the winds--and TA-DAH!--we were on!

Does this basket look big enough to hold 4 tanks of propane and 5 people?


Then the balloon was unrolled, and 2 big fans set up. We held the rims of the balloon while the fans inflated it with cool air.


This is our pilot, walking inside the balloon to pull some of the folds out, while the fans inflate it.


Next, a burner is fired to warm up the air in the balloon, causing it to lift off the ground. At that point, we start climbing into the basket, while still tethered to the truck.


And we're off!


It was a gorgeous day for flying! Visibility was incredible--probably 50 miles, our pilot said.




Closeup of those trees:


Looking up into the balloon:


Every so often the pilot fires up the burner to keep the air warm enough to lift us higher:


And sometimes she lets us dip toward the treetops. I grabbed a leaf off the top of this tree:


More eye candy:






Touchdown in a pasture, and waiting for the crew to reach us:




Time to deflate, smush all the air out, and roll it up:



It's kind of like trying to get a blanket back into those zipped bags they came in.

Our pilot, Bonnie Clevenger:




Afterwards, we went back to the Visitor's Center and had champagne to celebrate first flights. Soon, Bonnie will send us passengers our "first flight" certificates.

I heart ballooning.

Halloween Swap Goodies

Look what I got from Rosemary! She got my name in PEA's Halloween Swap and indulged me in my Roswell Alien theme this year:





And the feet that go with the Alien head and hands:


Tandi didn't like looking at the feet:


She was interested in the ray guns, however:


I never would have thought about ray guns, but they add so much to the whole alien invasion idea. These light up and make a variety of sounds:


There are an additional set of fingers and pair of ears:


Can you see the yellow caution tape? And the bag of jelly beans? There's a green glowstick, too.


These itty bitty aliens are perfect for the table with the refreshments:


And Tandi gets to be the Security Dog! How perfect is this?


In addition to a sweet note, Rosemary also included these wonderful old quilt blocks:


They look to be 30's type fabrics, I think, with maybe some feedsacks in there. I didn't count them, but there's a large stack. They're very fragile, with an occasional cut in a couple of places on a few of the blocks, and some of them are smaller than the others. I'm not sure what I'll do with them yet--I'll have to cogitate awhile.

It felt like Christmas here today! Thanks so much, Rosemary! I'm so excited!!

IT'S OFFICIAL!!!

We interrupt this regularly scheduled Halloween season to make a non-frightening announcement:

My daughter passed the bar exam! She's a real, live attorney now!

Of course, since she wants to do public defense work, she won't make much money, but that's not important to her (right now, anyway). She's out to make a difference in the world.


She made a difference in our world a long time ago.

We love you, Sunshine!

Menu

The party is getting larger every day. I think we "grown-ups" love Halloween as much as or more than the kidlets, judging by the faraway look I see when I tell my friends they'll have to dress up!

So far, here's the menu:
Day Old Bathwater Punch served in a clean, unused bath basin from work
kitty litter cake (tastes good if you can bring yourself to eat it!) And it really is served in a litter box with a scoop!

monster toes with the recipe here (something to break up the sweets)

eerie eyeballs (haven't found any ice trays or something similar, so might have to buy a melon scooper. I'm going to check out a kitchen specialty shop first.)

and the highlight of the feast: alien autopsy . I ordered the mold and it came in a couple of days ago. It's a bit smaller than it looks, so I might have to make 2 aliens. But isn't that creepy-looking?

Some friends have offered to bring something, maybe other drinks or chips and dip, so the squeamish should have something they can eat, bless their little stomachs!

If it's chilly, I'll also have a crockpot of hot mulled cider
going for the parents of my little ghostly visitors.

Have you tried any simple, but gross-looking recipes you think I need to add?
I'll keep you updated with photos as it all starts coming together.

Only 2 weeks from tomorrow!