Monday, March 11, 2019

Struggles

I really thought I would be farther along in the Hand-Pieced Quilt Along I posted about, but I have cut and sewn, and recut and resewn this block, and now I realize I reversed my colors, so I need to re-recut and re-resew! AGGHHH!

I didn't do well on making the flying geese block using triangles--they just didn't line up right, so I must have stretched those bias edges or something.

 Went back to doing them my favorite way--with rectangles and squares and stitch and flipping. They all turned out well, but as I got ready to join my last seam, I realized I had reversed my background fabric with the colors.

Not to mention I lost a few points there. So, it's back to the cutting mat. Meanwhile, back at the QAL, block 8 was released today. I'm still on block 3.  Sigh.

It's been a tough fall and winter. The weather has been so wet for so many months--I think there has only been one week since July that it hasn't rained or snowed. The ark jokes are getting old. Usually, rainy weather doesn't bother me, but both the dog and the husband have had multiple health issues, requiring multiple vet and doctor visits, and more time and care from me. Add this to the many responsibilities I already have because of Jack's disability, and the hits to the bank account, and I found myself floundering, struggling to be the support my family needs.

So for the first time, I sought out the assistance of a counselor.  It almost made me feel like a failure, not being able to cope, not being able to pull myself up by the bootstraps and forge on. Oh, I wasn't having suicidal thoughts. To me, that's a clear cut sign of needing help. I just walked around on the verge of tears all the time. Simple tasks became monumental.  I got up, got dressed, and got us to all the appointments on time. Kept the grandbaby when my daughter came down with pneumonia and bronchitis. Got the laundry done, and the house reasonably clean. But it just felt as if I was slogging through waist-deep water all the time. I gave up going to the Y because of all the scheduling conflicts, and I didn't substitute with home exercises or walking. (Raining, right?) Meal planning and cooking became too hard, so Jack ate frozen meals (which he prefers, because I'm vegan and he's not) and too often I'd just make a pb&j, because it didn't require any thought. Bought too much junk processed food. Gained back the 35 pounds I had lost. Couldn't sleep through the night, yet wanted to sleep all day. Something had to change.

Now, thanks to Kelley, I am coping again. I am back on track. Not that the problems have gone away; they never do, do they? Tandi still has health problems, and if she makes it to May 27, she will be 15 years old--that's really old for a cocker spaniel. Jack's health issues fluctuate, but we are staying positive and we are supporting each other. It's still a little one-sided, but that's the nature of marriage, the whole "in sickness and in health" clause. Finances have dictated that I put aside counseling for now, but I have promised my husband and my counselor not to let myself get into crisis mode again. If I start feeling overwhelmed, help is only a phone call away.


I tell you all this to say that if you find yourself feeling some of those same things--unrelenting sadness, inability to make decisions or take care of yourself properly, sleep disruptions, lack of interest in things that used to bring you joy, misplaced anger or irritability-- please, seek counseling. There are professionals who are able to help, and who can help you find your way back. Check your workplace's EAP program. See what your health insurance covers. Talk to you doctor.  Mine added acute stress disorder, with an explanation, to my online chart. Unfortunately, my medicare advantage plan didn't cover it, but I found a counselor who has a sliding scale payment plan. Check out Psychology Today's website. There you can find licensed therapists in your area who specialize in all different areas. Read their bios, lists of what they cover, their philosophies, and their financial requirements. Most will let you email or phone them for a free initial contact, to determine if they can help you and if they are a good fit for you. I started with a list of 22 possibilities, and narrowed it down to two. Kelley answered my email, and not only was that free, but so was my first visit. It was a good match.

Recognizing I needed help, and asking for it, did not make me a failure. It was a sign of my strength. So please, if you're struggling, do this for yourself. You deserve it.



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