Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Not what I'd planned to say.

Well, I intended to wax eloquent about Mother's Day, but reality crashed in on me. Mother's Day this year was...a disappointment. My feelings are hurt, and I have sulked and argued and pouted and reflected and shrugged and sighed--all in my own head. Because it is probably a miscommunication or someone had a bad day (not ME!) and I don't want to heap enough fodder on that molehill to make it reach mountainous heights.

Do we ever get it down pat? Do we ever get to sit back and say, "Okay! I've worked at this for 'x' years and she's an adult now and except for the worrying (which never really ceases) I've got this mothering thing all figured out!" I'm seriously doubting it. Adult children, no matter how wonderful and self-sufficient and independent they are, come with their own challenges.

Is it any better with sons? Is it just mother-daughter relationships that are so complex, so indefinable in their roles? I look at her and do my best to treat her as I would any other woman friend, but how do I erase the mental pictures of her as a toddler? We read the same book and share our thoughts and opinions on it, but the line between sharing and privacy in other matters blurs and wavers and I can't tell where the boundaries are. Maybe she still views me with teen eyes on occasion. And no parent EVER looks good through the eyes of an adolescent.

It's been over 20 years since I've seen my own mother, and almost that long since I've spoken with her, by my own choice. She is not a nice person, and I came to accept my virtual "orphan-ness" many moons ago. I don't miss her anymore. But I strive to build a different relationship with my daughter. She's my only child. I never want her to feel alone in the world, cut off from the invisible umbilical cord that connects her to her ancestry. And yet, I'm afraid of doing just that.

Does anyone out there want to trade daughters for a while? Maybe we could make each other look reallllly good.


Libby said...

I wish I had something profound to say, something that would make everything right and cheerful. Darn it!

MightyMom said...

well crap, please pass the hanky...I'll have to email you my story one day soon.

Jacquie said...

I don't have anything profound to say either. Just know that you are not alone.

Pinky said...

It is a complicated relationship, and no, I don't think the mother/son relationship is NEARLY as complex.

My mom and I went through a rough patch from my ages 29-32. I think I had to be certain that she saw me as an adult...but it wasn't really about her. It was that I saw myself as an adult. We can't ever change the other person. We can only work on ourselves.

I'll trade ya for a while....my girl will just LOVE you and I'll hang out with your daughter and tell her horror stories of me and my mom. It'll be GRAND! ;-D

Oh, me and mom are all good now. I'm standing on my own two feet, but I love her dearly. She's my mom first and my friend second.

Much love to you Stephanie!!!