Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Emotions

The last few days have been topsy-turvy on so many levels. I just need to vent a few minutes, so feel free to skip this post if you like!

Disappointment, disgust, and cynicism: Our unit manager threw up her hands and quit after administration performed another butt-chewing over staffing. She really was a good manager and I hate to see her go, but totally understand. Admin announced a staff meeting (with less than 24 hours notice) to address "questions and concerns", but I didn't bother to go. I've been working in hospitals long enough to know they say what you want to hear, then do what they have always planned to do. Don't waste my time, you clueless idiots--just get out of my way and let me do my job.

Anticipation, panic, concern, relief and gratitude:
Friday night I had my second sleep study, this time with a C-PAP, and oh my, what a difference! I was so ALERT Saturday night and I had so much stamina--I've forgotten what it's like to feel GOOD! Since I'm claustrophobic, I had a little trouble with the mask, but was able to get past it that night, and will be working on it. Today I got my own machine, and found out the detailed results of my sleep study: Severe, with 62-75 episodes an hour and changes in my heart rate and rhythm, as well as dangerously low oxygen levels (73%). This is the stuff heart attacks and brain damage are made of. Throw in an absence of stages 4 & 5 sleep cycles (deep sleep) plus mild restless leg syndrome, and there is no where to go but improvement. I am so grateful my PA listened to my whiney-ass complaints and put the puzzle pieces together to treat this potentially life-threatening condition.

More concern, fear, frustration and relief: Tandi, my cocker, had 4 teeth removed by the vet yesterday, and then has had some strange type of reaction to one or both of her meds. We're still trying to figure out which of them it is, but she has been disoriented, possibly hallucinating, and managed to leave the yard despite the invisible wireless fence collar shocking her neck. Two neighbors helped me look for her, and we found her being watched over by another neighbor who recognized her from our walks, but didn't know where we live. Tandi was aimlessly crossing the street, walking around in circles, and finally just laid down in the woods. She almost didn't recognize me when we got there, and now doesn't want me out of her sight. She's really pitiful, with her little heart beating so fast and her body just quivering, and I hope this wears off soon.

Disbelief, sorrow, hope, gratitude, humility and pride:
The Compassion bloggers.
The conditions so many children must endure, IF they live long enough, make me ashamed of my petty complaints about my regular income (okay, I just did that, didn't I?), the neverending piles of laundry and dishes, gas prices, grocery shopping and insurance nincompoops. I am so wealthy--I have a non-leaking roof over my four walls, two working indoor bathrooms with toilet paper, food in my pantry for endless meals per day, ice water, shoes, a C-PAP machine, books to read, headache medication, hobbies. I live in a country where I CAN complain about my employer or my governor without fear of retribution, where I can drive to the store and pick up a variety of foods, where I can drive, period. My daughter always had good health care, went to school, is pursuing a career she has chosen for herself.

I am wealthy.

I am blessed.

Now I think I will spend a few minutes viewing the lunar eclipse, put Tandi in her crate where she will feel safe and secure, and put that C-PAP to good use.

Thanks for listening.

2 comments:

Pinky said...

That was a rough few days.
Take it easy, friend.
Much love to you.

MightyMom said...

yippeeee, it's just fun in the sun at your house!!

if you have trouble with the mask (many who aren't claustrophobic do) then ask for the nasal cannula type. That's all it is...just a nasal cannula CPAP...way cool!!

feel better!